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| it feels good to have someone in your arms. it's even better when you love that person and if that person loves you. so i imagine. robin, today you had a good time. | | |
| ... The best lie you can tell is one you believe yourself. | | |
| well, christmas has past. it is past now. i wonder if i'd be ok even when i see the mistakes i make, as i make them. it's as if i have to make them, and my awareness is just the product of my kneel to fate. or maybe its just in my head. anyways, i could be heading on an adventure farther into my life, or pedalling down a continued spiral into a ditch that could be my grave. i just hope someone up there will give me a break if i did take the wrong turns. the split path has shown itself to me again as i heard news of aimee hooking up with a guy. i didn't feel stinging jealousy, but it was there. maybe i've become numb, or im starting to get over her. what is love anyways? for now, like i said on my last post, i will do my all to let go all that connects me to that girl, forever sealed once this school year is over. if there is love, i did all i could. i made my mistakes, and i dealt with them the way i saw fit during the moment. all is done and cannot be undone. her ignorance has caused nothing but burden, which she has no mind or heart to change. therefore let me severe all ties with her, as thorough as possible. whether gentle or cold, subtle or clear, it will be discreate and absolute once done, and it will all depend on the moments. | | |
| it seems that no matter what i do, i continue to spiral downward in my life. whether i try to escape or face the pain, the reality, the truth: it seems that i end up scarring me more and more. i am afraid that soon, if not already, i will not be able to reconize myself, beyond the point of repair. jealously, fear, hatred; all part of the emotions that consume my waking moments. i tire from everyday that i am burdened by these weights. sometimes i think i was better off never claiming myself to the vortex of Christianity. what bindings and grip a religion can have. it wields the power to save, yet to often it runs men insane. women are much the same(girls more so). the thing is, the "innocent" are the worst. ignorant of their influence and the ways of men, an "innocent" girl holds sway over mens hearts whether she knows it or not. How cruel and harsh can the gentle care and love a female "friend" gives to men who cannot win her heart. and that is what a woman's true love is. a competitor. Unconditional love? yet when you marry someone, your required to love them the "best" compared to the "lesser" love of other suitors. you have to be the best fit, the most unselfish, the most caring. of course the woman has to love "unconditionally", whether they want to or not, once married (unless she decides to divorce of course). of course marriage is just one of the many pursuits of happiness we have in life. but it is also another parodoxial subject within Christiananity. how can you claim to be completely given to Christ, and give what you shouldn't have to someone else at the same time? somewhere in that holy book, it was suggested that if you could not control yourself, you should marry. ok, if you want to get technical about it, marry someone with the love God commands, God's love? its inheretly selfish to marry. anyways i digress from this incomplete pathos argument to make my point. why bother? i hold on to a girl who i proball will never see again after senior year, who only wants to love as a Christian should, to stay innocent. i harbor jealously, selfishness, despair, only to have it unleashed by Satan in his spiteful nature. every encounter is a moment where i tried to reach truth and love, only to have it ruined by circumstance (fault to both of us). i can already, and have before, claim the hindsight later in my life that tells me how i could of done things better, how i could have avoided the inevitable woes of a girl. how i can continue down the spire and reconize the dark path i am heading toward would confound sensible people. yet most sensible people(sensible people lose their senses too) wouldn't be where i am. to cut to a broader scale, society and its structure seems to me inherently too contradicting, especially in the matter of love. that is why i seem to escape frequently to thoughts of disowning society, of going into the wild. even though the emphasis of the film was the insignificance of love without sharing it, i still seek to escape society and its inevitble burdens. i have no more heart to deal with another girl(how i wish she was a woman) like aimee west, whos captivation and innocence has drove me to the ground, where all i taste is dirt and dust, which manifest my lungs and soul with a dark contents of my nature. let go? sorry, i can't, even when i knowingly realize the lesson that could be learned from this ordeal, the full life i could have ahead of me, the immensly negative effect this relatively insignificant blunder can have on me if i remain stubborn. because all i can ask myself is "what if?" what if i never embarrassed her the first time i asked to court her? what if i just love her and wish for her happiness, and either hope for her to love me back or to move on? none of these questions have a answer for me, because i cannot believe in such contradictions they behold. i rather to let my stubborness kill me, because there is truth in the destructive force of human nature, as dark as it may be. all i can say in hope is, god save my soul. | | |
| thanksgiving break is over. i wasted so much time. it happenes alot. but i can't help thinking i got something out of it, did one little thing right. maybe i did, maybe i didn't. anyways, i think there might be some good in keeping a online diary. ha, the good thing about xanga is, it's a relic, a memoir of the past. it's a good place to hide thoughts, and to reflect on moments long gone and free to yern for. i think this could be good. i know it feels a little good, in a funny way at least. anyways, it's another beginning, a fresh start, another chance to take another step in life. it's time to take those steps. i want to go on an adventure. | | |
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